In my previous post, I explored why estrangement isn’t synonymous with boundary-setting and why rushing to cut someone off can bypass opportunities for growth.

Here, I want to look at an area that TikTok usually doesn’t get around to covering.

What to do when someone has estranged themselves from you.

What do you do when someone has cut you off and severed the relationship without discussion?

How do you move forward now that the relationship is estranged?

What do you do with the hurt that remains unanswered?

All good questions.

First, though, I need you to understand that this isn’t about who was in the right and who was in the wrong.

Maybe a person close to you decided it was easier to cut you off instead of talking to you about something you could’ve solved together. You may be in the dark about the issue.

Or maybe you did something you know created a rift and that person slammed the door because you hurt them so badly.

Trying to win is not the mindset to deal with this.

Connection should be your ultimate goal.

Anything else puts you in a win-loss scenario, and there’s a good chance that’s how you got here.

Right now, your efforts will be all about positioning and patience, not reconciliation.

Examine your wants.

In order to create transformational change in your life, you have to know what you want first. Then you point all of your decisions and choices towards that.

What you want becomes the Northstar you look up to when things on the ground start looking murky.

Ask yourself three questions.

1. What do you want for yourself?

When you go over the situation in your head, most likely you’re thinking about what you’re not getting right now. What you’re missing and want back.

That’s not wrong, that’s normal. And that’s why it hurts.

Acknowledge what you want back in this situation.

Now, expand outside of that.

2. What do you want for the other person?

Remove yourself from what you want and think about what you would like to see happen in that person’s life.

• Do you want them to be happy and have healthy relationships so they can continue to grow?
• Do you want them to feel confident in making healthy decisions?
• Do you want them to be successful in their life?

Step outside of your own head for a minute and think about what you would like to see happen in this person’s life, whether you’re in it or not.

3. What do you want for both of you?

What kind of relationship do you have if there’s a restoration?

• What kinds of things do you do together?
• What do you talk about?
• What problems do you solve together?
• What does it look like when you give each other grace for the conflicts that inevitably arise?

Now you have a clearer picture of where this can go.

You have a more quantifiable roadmap for a new relationship, should that happen.

And it serves to provide some redirection for the raw emotions that you can’t quite figure out what to do with.

With your roadmap of wants in hand, now it’s time to set about taking action.

Now comes the harder part.

Keep the line of communication open.

Your only task right now is to keep a channel open as best you can.

You’ve already given some thought to what you want for the other person, and what you want for both of you.

Now, you act on it by not expressing your hurt, your frustrations, your anger, your rage, your how-could-you-do-this-to-me comments.

You simply communicate that you’re ready to talk if and when they’re ready.

• You love them, and that hasn’t changed.
• No matter where they are and what they’re doing, you’ll welcome their communication.

Simple. Loving. Straightforward. No judgment.

This will not be easy, and there probably won’t be any payback for a while.

This may mean sending communications you know they won’t respond to, but that they might see.

Just because they don’t respond, doesn’t mean it’s not affecting them.

At intervals that don’t push too hard, you continue to let them know that contact would be welcome, if they wish.

No guilt trips. No shame.

Because here’s what you don’t want.

If they begin to think about the situation and want to re-establish contact, you don’t want them to have to scale an impossibly high wall to get to you.

You want it to be easy.

Especially if this change of heart comes on the heels of something difficult that’s happened to them. You don’t want it to seem too hard to reach out.

You want them in that moment to know a gate is open in the wall, and on the other side, they’ll be met with welcome arms.

Remember, connection is the goal. Not being right.

This is not I-told-you-so.

This is I-love-you-so. We’ll figure out the rest later.

This part is hard because there’s no guarantee the problem that pulled you apart will have changed.

You can’t have the expectation that just because the connection has been reestablished things will be the way you want them to be.

Let go of the outcome.

The goal isn’t to bring them back to you, even though it is.

It’s to leave a channel open so they can easily find their way to you when they’re ready.

You’ll have to let go of any particular outcome you’ve prescribed.

Needing it to go exactly the way you want isn’t the goal.

This needs to be about both of you, not just you. Even if you feel like you were not the one in the wrong.

What do you want more?

To be right? Or to have the relationship?

You may have to let go of your vision of how this is supposed to turn out.

The metric now is the connection.

And that connection goes where it goes. You’ll figure that out when you get there.

This will require you to set aside being right, being heard, and being vindicated. If that feels impossible right now, that’s worth working on.

I know this seems a lot like, “Hang tight and keep your phone on.”

But this may be the only play you have right now.

If you’re cut off, you’ve lost the right to speak into their life.

Even if none of this was your doing, you still have to demonstrate you’re interested in their heart over what you’ve lost.

Your roadmap will remind you of what’s at stake.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

The hardest part about being cut off is that you don’t get to participate in the resolution.

• You can’t force a conversation.
• You can’t make them see your side.
• You can’t speed up their process.

All you can do is the work on your end.

Keep the channel open. Stay clear on what you want. Let go of needing to be right.

And wait.

Estrangement culture celebrates blowing up the bridge as the ultimate act of empowerment.

But reconnection requires vulnerability from both sides.

If they ever get to a place where they’re ready to reach out, you want to have already done the work that makes reconnection possible.