Now that the holidays are upon us, I’d like to throw out a few non-TikTok thoughts about estrangement culture.

I’m seeing estrangement being called “setting boundaries,” and I need to address why that’s not accurate and why the distinction matters.

Estrangement is increasingly being framed as an act of empowerment, a bold statement of self-worth. And while standing up for yourself is empowering, cutting people off without first attempting clear communication isn’t empowerment. 

Boundaries are necessary.

Knowing where you end and someone else begins is healthy in a relationship.

You should be able to assertively ask for what you need. There’s a good chance this ask creates some conflict.

Good. Now you have something to work on together.

Negotiating for your boundary creates a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and draws you closer together.

Even with boundaries in place, they may keep crossing lines. Some people don’t have insight into how their actions are affecting you. In order to have a relationship with them, you may have to get even more explicit about the boundary and spell out exactly what will happen if they violate it.

Set strong boundaries with family members you love but who push dangerous buttons for you. 

Make it clear what will happen when they step outside these boundaries, then hold your position.

Boundaries are not punitive.

You don’t put a boundary “on” someone. You create a boundary to protect yourself and those closest to you.

Much like putting a fence around your home. Any access by others then must be negotiated and you agree to open the door.

But if someone keeps climbing the fence or breaking the gate, you’re not required to keep maintaining it. 

At that point, estrangement isn’t cutting them off. It’s them cutting themselves off by refusing to respect your terms.

So this is what’s different about estrangement.

Estrangement isn’t a boundary. It’s what happens when boundaries have been tried and repeatedly failed, or when the relationship is genuinely unsafe.

The problem is that estrangement is being prescribed as a first step. 

Before communication, before stating what you need, before giving the other person a chance to understand what’s at stake.

It skips over putting everything on the table and cuts off communication channels without ever asking questions later.

You’re not putting a fence around yourself. You’re blowing up the bridge that leads to your yard.

What gets lost is the opportunity for real dialogue.

There’s something seductive about the narrative that cutting someone off is the ultimate act of self-respect. But real empowerment comes from finding your voice, stating your needs clearly, and holding your ground, not from eliminating the need to do that hard work altogether.

Maybe you reach an impasse and decide there’s no resolution. But you’ve given the relationship a chance, if that’s what you want.

Reconciliation isn’t the goal. Peace is.

If the impasse sticks, estrangement might be your path to it. 

You’ve honored the process, not forced a fairy tale. But rushing into it skips that clarity, leaving more what-ifs than the calm peace you were looking for.

Once estrangement happens, it’s almost impossible to re-establish if you change your mind because each of you now has a huge wall to climb over to get to the other one.

Part of what’s driving this premature estrangement is often misguided advice.

Unfortunately many therapists are driving the move to cut people off. 

Here’s why that’s a problem.

One, you’re only getting one version of the story.

Apart from looking for evidence of abuse, it’s hard to know your client isn’t leaving some things out. Most clients do this at some point. 

So to advise cutting off someone from a parent or other loved one without first exploring whether clear boundaries were attempted and communicated is serious business.

You don’t have all the details and the other person isn’t there to give their side of things.

Two, therapists shouldn’t be giving advice.

A therapist’s role is to guide the client toward what they want. 

To give advice to a client means they may pull the trigger on something they may never be able to undo. The therapist doesn’t have to live with those consequences but the client does. 

If they pick the estrangement on their own, that’s their decision, and the consequences are theirs to live out.

Now let me be very clear about an important exception:

If you’ve been a victim of abuse I’m not talking about you. 

You should never feel obligated or coerced into spending any time with your abuser. You don’t need to do any soul searching to cut that off. 

Don’t fall into the trap of sitting across the table from your abuser because it would make someone else feel better about the family dynamics at the Thanksgiving meal.

Estrangement is sometimes necessary.

But it should come with a lot of thought, consideration, examination of the consequences, and prayer. 

The issue isn’t that it’s never warranted. It’s that it’s being presented as some kind of self-care instead of the serious, often irreversible decision it actually is.

When estrangement is packaged as empowerment, it makes boundaries seem weak. Like you’re settling or not respecting yourself enough. 

But the opposite is true. 

Learning to set and maintain boundaries while staying in the relationship takes far more courage and strength than walking away.

Boundaries give you more options because you learn to grow your assertiveness muscles by being willing to ask for what you need. 

It can certainly stir up grief and loneliness when they don’t step into it with you.

But in doing so, you place another little brick on the path you’re building.

Before you blow up the bridge, try building a fence first.