Still Wobbly After All These Years

One of the surprising things about getting older is how little I have my stuff together.

When you forecast out in the future, it’s easy to imagine becoming a person who’s defeated all your self-limiting beliefs.

Someone who finally “gets it” and is now acting in accordance with some newly discovered set of values and rules about life.

But the reality feels different.

I expected at this age I would feel less like a wobbly newborn fawn and more like a proud lioness.

Sure of her role and space.
Surveying the open plain.
Eyes narrowed at the dangers that can threaten her pride even on a perfect sunny day.
Confident to stand tall over everything she’s accomplished and cared for.

The reality still feels more wide-eyed and unsuspecting than I’d like.

While I know more about the dangers my own actions (or inactions) can bring, I still sometimes feel like prey to the larger world.

My brain and my heart are always on the move trying to figure out what’s happened behind me, and what might be ahead.

What can I learn from back there that I can use?

And what lies ahead that I haven’t even thought to want yet?

Should I just graze here for a bit? Or should I eat with my head turned slightly up?

That’s the doe. Traveling the terrain with lessons, and an ear turned toward what’s next.

There’s no one point where you step into some specific role in your life.

It’s one role that keeps evolving.

There are always new things to learn. New experiences to try.

And, as always, the voices (internal and external) that try their very best to ensure you stay small in the tall grass.

That doesn’t mean you don’t try your best to become that version of yourself you see in your head.

You can’t adequately explain that person to anyone. That person is too complex with dreams, fears, and fragile emotions.

The only choice you have is to keep moving and understand that the wobbly legs are part of putting yourself out there.

Earthly life isn’t a linear series of steps that lead to a grand coronation upon a great rock above the plain.

It’s a convoluted jungle mess of vines, rapids, rocks, streams, and trails that take you to the next place, some with more drama than others.

The more you embrace it like that, the happier you’ll be.

You will never arrive.

You’ll always be just arriving.