How I Recognized Fear Dressed as Calling

This time last year I was ready lock, stock, and barrel to go back to school to get a Master of Divinity degree. 

I was convinced I had a strong call to study the Word and ministry even more deeply.

I’m a pastor’s daughter and have been in ministry with my husband for much of the past 20 years. 

So this move didn’t seem odd to anyone who knows me. 

On top of that, competence is one of my most important values. 

No matter how much I think I know, I always want to know more, because I feel like more is expected of me. 

It’s important to me to get things right, especially when other people are involved. 

So another master’s degree felt like the right move. 

But after the process got well underway, I couldn’t shake the feeling that getting this degree felt like running. 

Instead of a call, it started to feel like an eerie detour. 

This was a confusing place to be.

Just because something’s uncomfortable doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. It might be something God allows in your path to work something out in you. 

So you can’t go just on shaky feelings. 

After some prayer and reflection, I was able to put my finger on it. 

I realized this run towards more education was my own special little reaction to fear.

The fear of grasping the future God had already directed me to, and the fear that I’m not enough to get it right.

School is my coping skill when I fear engaging in big things. It’s not always a formal degree plan, but it always involves me putting the brakes on the real work in order to learn more.

I’m familiar with this dog-eared script. 

Fear convinces me I’m not ready for the journey ahead because I don’t know enough. 

Fear tells me just one more little bit of preparation and I’ll finally be in the “right” place. 

Fear tells me I’m safer tucked away in the annals of study where the only accountability is to get the grade. 

Fear seduces me with the pride a tough challenge like this would surely bring, and chases it with the thought that maybe this is all I’m capable of anyway. 

Fear steals my peace by convincing me that who I am is tied up in what I do, so I have to be the best. 

Fear doesn’t always look like the scary monster. 

It often cloaks itself in the most fashionable attire of your greatest ambitions.

Fear always wants you to look away from who God has already said you are, and focus more on who you think you can be. 

I’d fallen for this a few other times in my life, and I finally saw the pattern.

Last year, fear tried to get me to stand still and do the same thing I’ve always done. 

But this time I didn’t take the bait. 

Every day that I take any steps at all towards what I know He has for me leaves less room for fear on that same stage. 

And more room for the possibilities only He can bring. 

The only play I have is to trust and keep moving.

How is fear showing up in your life?

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