Goals vs. Values: Why the Cookies Keep Winning

Scrolling social media, you see the same pithy adages: be consistent, show up and do the work, you don’t want it bad enough, no one is coming to save you, discipline is the ice that forges the fire of willpower (I made that one up), you get the idea.

We all just came off the big goal-setting exercise called the new year. You know the drill. You set a goal, maybe one that’s been a thorn in your side for a while.

This is the year, you tell yourself, your fist against the angry sky in fierce determination.

This year will be when I finally get my act together and do this thing.

Almost a month later, and the fizzle has already shown up. You haven’t stopped caring about the goal, but the struggle to stick with it is wearing you out before the Super Bowl’s even decided.

But the struggle with your goals isn’t always a discipline problem. Sometimes it’s a direction problem.

The problem is you’re trying to make goals do the work of values, and they weren’t designed for that.

This distinction can cost you momentum, clarity, and follow-through.

What’s the Difference?

Values are about the kind of person you want to be. What purpose will your life have served? What kind of legacy do you want to build in your life? Your values are your stake in the ground for how you want to show up in life and what you want to leave for others.

Values aren’t something you meet or achieve. You’ll never complete your values. They don’t terminate. As long as you’re alive, you’ll always be working towards your values.

Most importantly, values are what matter most to you in your life.

Goals, however, are time-limited and completable. You’ll either achieve them or you won’t. Goals are the vehicles — the tactics — that take you toward your values.

You’ll probably have many goals on the way to one of your values. Some you’ll crush. Many you won’t. But your values remain the same.

If you manage to get it 100% right, you’ll always select goals that will take you toward your values, not away from them.

Goals are milestones. Values are direction.

A Real Life Situation

For example, one of my values is to be a healthy, fit grandma for my two young grandsons.

I’ll always be working towards that as long as I’m alive.

But I’ll have different goals along the way that’ll help me move toward that value:

• Eating more protein daily because I’m older and I need to preserve muscle
• Lifting heavy weights because strength keeps me functional as I get older
• Practicing yoga and Pilates for flexibility and mobility

These are measurable and completable goals. I’ll either hit my protein target today or I won’t. I’ll either get to the gym this week or I won’t. I’ll have future goals I haven’t thought of yet to help me continue my healthy, fit GiGi vibe.

So when a sleeve of Oreos presents itself on a stressful Friday afternoon, I have a choice to make.

Do I move toward healthy fit grandma and skip the Oreos, and maybe choose a ripe mango instead?

Or do I move away from that value and eat the whole delightful sleeve, along with my feelings?

Having Oreos one time won’t derail me. But if I keep making that choice, it will consistently take me away from my healthy, fit grandma value.

Why Goals Alone Don’t Work

It feels good to take on a new goal. You’re starting with a fresh, clean canvas of opportunity.

But when you don’t connect a new goal to your values, they can feel random. It’s easier to tell yourself, This wasn’t for me, and quit.

Connecting your goals to values helps your everyday decisions feel a little less random.

When you lack that connection, you can make any obstacle a good reason to quit. One sickness or busy season at work gets you off the horse, and you abandon that goal for, hopefully, another day.

Without a North Star guiding you, every setback feels like a valid reason to change direction entirely.

Goals are fragile because they’re subject to time and specific measures that can cause you to fail.

Values are character builders. They’re woven into your identity.

Deeply-held values force you to come back to what you said you wanted for your life.

This brings us to a serious question that not everyone can answer.

What Do You Want For Your Life?

When I ask my clients this question, a good number of them tell me no one’s ever asked them that before. They have no idea what they want for their life, beyond a nicer house, a better car, or enough money for their kids’ college.

But knowing what you want your life to look like is the foundation for developing your values. And in order to know your values, you have to know what matters most to you in life.

You can figure this out by looking at the domains in your life, the areas where your values are lived out and guide your behaviors.

The goal isn’t to rate yourself or judge how well you’re doing. It’s to get clear on what matters to you in each domain so you can set goals that actually align with those values.

The Domains

1. Family relationships – How do you want to show up for the people closest to you?
2. Friendships and social connections – What do you want people to experience when they’re with you?
3. Work and career – What matters to you about how you contribute professionally?
4. Personal growth and learning – How do you want to develop as a person over time?
5. Health and physical well-being – How do you want to care for and relate to your body?
6. Recreation and leisure – What matters about how you rest and recharge?
7. Spirituality or life philosophy – What gives your life meaning? What larger principles guide you?
8. Citizenship and community – How do you want to contribute to something beyond yourself?

 

–> Download a blank version of the bulls-eye

Map It Out

Pick 2-3 domains that matter most to you right now. You’ll map each one on the bull’s-eye. For each domain:

1. Write your value – Who do you want to be in this area? Don’t think of it in terms of what you want to achieve materially. Who are you in character and action? Imagine yourself moving around in that value. What do you look like? Who do you interact with? How do you handle challenges? How do you celebrate the good times?
2. Mark where you are right now on the bull’s-eye – Center = fully aligned with this value. Outer rings = further away from it. You’re always somewhere on the target.
3. Set one goal for each domain – What’s one specific, measurable action that moves you toward the center, toward that value?

Example:

Domain: Health and physical well-being
Value: Be a healthy, fit grandma who can play on the floor with my grandsons
Current position: Middle ring – I’m consistent with yoga but inconsistent with strength training and protein intake
Goal: Lift weights 3x/week for the next 8 weeks, track it in my fitness app

What to Look For

Once you’ve done this for your top domains, take a look at your existing goals and how they’re serving your life.

Do your current goals serve these values? If you’ve got goals that don’t connect to any value you’ve written down, you may have found one problem.

Are you spreading yourself too thin? Don’t work on all domains at once. Sometimes health and wellness values weigh more heavily than career goals. Pick which of your values get priority this season.

This Isn’t About Balance

Balance is a trap because the weight of life is always shifting.

It’s about conscious choice for what values get your focus and emphasis right now. The goals on your plate should help you build toward those values.

Some areas may be on the back burner for now. That’s okay. If you keep mapping this out, you’ll get to them eventually.

When your goals finally align with your values, your focus shifts. You’re not forcing yourself to do tasks you’ve forced on yourself.

You’re choosing, repeatedly, to move in a direction that matters to you.

This will bring you some serious mojo to keep going.

What Changes Along The Way

You still want the Oreos. But now you know what choosing them costs you, and what choosing the mango builds toward. When you know your values and align your goals with them:

• Decision-making gets faster. You have a framework instead of just how you feel about it on any given day. Is this moving you toward your values or away from them?
• Failed goals don’t destroy you. You pivot to different tactics toward the same value.
• Discipline feels purposeful instead of punishing. You’re building something specific, not just grinding through a random checklist.
• Your efforts start to feel less random and more intentional.

The Bottom Line

Goals without values collapse under pressure. They can lose meaning in the middle, and they might feel hollow even when you achieve them.

Values without goals are abstract ideas that never translate into action.

Values and goals work together to get you toward what you want most in life.

So why do the cookies keep winning?

Because you’ve been asking them to compete against a goal (eat healthier, lose weight, be disciplined). Goals are fragile, and they break easily on a bad day.

But when the Oreos are competing against a value — like a healthy fit GiGi who plays on the floor with her grandsons without grunting to get up — that’s a different fight.

The value doesn’t break. It’s there for you, every single time you have to choose.

Stop chasing random targets.

Get clear on your values and the direction you want your life to take.

Then set goals that take you there.

Exercise adapted from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) values clarification work. For more on ACT and values-based living, visit contextualscience.org.