You can name angry, but can you name trapped?

What this video is about

A three-year-old at the post office taught me something I teach my clients all the time. He told his mom, “I’m so angry,” and she didn’t shut it down.

She just said, “That’s okay. Sometimes we get angry.”

In this short video, I talk about why having a word for what you feel matters so much, and why the quieter feelings are the ones most of us miss.

The feelings underneath the loud ones

Angry, sad, stressed. Those are easy to name because they’re loud.

Underneath them are quieter, more specific feelings.

• Disappointed
• Trapped
• Lonely
• Bitter
• Confused

When you don’t have a word for those, they tend to sit in your body as a vague knot, and your mind keeps spinning trying to figure out what’s wrong.

Why naming helps

• It turns the volume down. Research on affect labeling shows that putting a feeling into words can calm your body’s alarm response, even when it doesn’t feel like it’s working in the moment.
• It helps people understand you. “I’m upset” leaves someone guessing. “I feel left out” tells them what you need.
• It lets you sit with the feeling. Naming it is the opposite of avoiding it. A feeling with a name is usually easier to carry, and easier to set down.
• It reminds you you’re not alone. Every one of those words exists because lots of people have felt that way.

How to practice

Start with your body. Notice where the feeling lives first, whether that’s a tight chest or a heavy stomach.

Then name it with the broad word you already know, and go one step deeper.

Is “angry” really closer to trapped? Is “tired” really closer to discouraged?

You don’t have to feel ready, and you don’t have to fix anything. Just name it and let it be.

If you want the longer version, with the research behind it, read my essay Name Your Feelings: The Quieter Words Under Angry and Sad.

Your best first move

The next time you feel off this week, find the feeling in your body, give it the most specific word you can, and write that word down.